I learned to be a temp
just for a time, not for the long haul…
I’d rather be a quick searing burn rather than a slow warmth
instead of grasping a picture of reality, I allowed it to bend to my will
now I would love to see my will rend
since the repercussions of my actions caused scarring pain
others, then myself, then myself
Walking into situations
A gift of clairvoyance
no sense of permanence
given my task at hand and I did it well
and left
today I have left my marks across those who I’ve impacted
some with divine aim
others with vile reverence
depending on whoever wore the target
depending on whoever was the target
listening to an angel I discovered the insincerity with which I cry
excuses are for people without a conscience
without a soul
I wonder where it went
I wanted to be a temp
Never did get my time in the sun
the Son caused my lack of perspective to lose grip from time to time
another’s transgression on my soul
another simple prophecy for my tattered ego
self-aware in the future tense is quite anathema
and gone
I needed to be a temp
physically I could never dive in
commitment left waiting on shore
trust treading lightly into the depths
a selfless conceptualisation without ethical consideration
to the wake a stone thrown would cause
other facades in boxes traversing replication of human emotion
in place of focused, cloistered, and patient introspection
a parade of other’s feelings kept on record in case
in case
the need to use someone else was necessary
a puffed-up mirage wavered in the heat of passionless desire
fell to the damp carpet cried because of abuse of conduct
the mirror held tightly and others saw that which I knew not but to admit
I studied to be a temp
actors who gave up on semblance of white and black keys making harmony
musicians who dressed up in bland coloured canvases insistent upon innocuous design
painters who fused pantomime and method to create a silent majority
friends who left alone carried themselves away
friends who alone left who became carried away
with the impermanence of practice in my life
I became that which I feared the most
I am a temp
and I’ve lost everything that made me any worth to anyone
2:04 am
25 July 2002
(I think this is why I started this blog. This is the feeling I want to overcome, and combat, and learn to put in a footnote someday.)
