I fell asleep late last night.  That it was late really is of no consequence, but I had in mind that I would use the extra hour I have due to Daylight Savings Time in a way I’ve not used in a long time… an hour just spent trying to give my whole being to silence.  When I was a bit younger, and in college, I would spend the hour in the fall trying to commune with God or using it in supplication on the behalf of others.  My life has gotten busier since college, and I haven’t had it even enter my mind until this year.

After an hour filled with me trying to quiet myself, and not quite feeling as comfortable as I could have hoped to be, I tucked myself in to sleep… perchance to dream.  Just before I fell into bed, I asked God the simple question “what do you want to show me?”  Now I realise that could easily be a very dangerous thing to ask of God.  He tends to take access wherever you allow it.  Never pray for patience, you’ll only have trials, etc etc.  But God Himself doesn’t play with us in that regard, and He loves to work on us, with us, and through us.  Any opportunity to better serve Him, no matter what the cost, is a good thing.

The thing is, I fell asleep.  All my dreams seemed to be unimportant until this one.  Many times God has used snapshots in my dreams to remind me of where I am and that I am actually in His will, whether the surroundings seem to confirm that or not.  Things that I dreamt when I was 5, 8, and 10 years old… before I knew who Christ was, those were the seeds He planted to help me know I was where He wanted me.  So, I take all dreams that have a very real quality seriously, sometimes to a fault.  And I almost always keep them to myself, unless God compels me to share.  This time I’m not sharing as much as trying to figure out what I got from Him.

The details are not as important.  They involved a very special person in my life that I haven’t seen in quite some time.  It’s funny, that every time I have dreamt of this person (and for a very long time, I could never dream of real people or situations, I guess my mind never quite works that way… but on occasion, I have dreamt of people), I have found myself waking up with the very same feelings.  Feelings of contentment.  A lack of duality, which I feel all humanity must feel everyday.  Very much a centeredness that seemed to stem from being the recipient of their care and love.

Now the dreams really don’t relate to someone specific in my life, as much as it reminded me of what it feels to receive unprovoked love and affection.  To have a concept that you are loved, not in some erotic kind of way, but in an adoring way is special and it doesn’t happen that often for us.  Perhaps once or twice in a lifetime from another person… but we always have that desire from God.  It’s difficult to put into words, but I am not very good at cultivating the feelings that spawned from my dream.  But, I do remember being very much bathed in that feeling when she and I were closer.  And… while reflecting upon the whole deal… I understood again what He has been trying to say.

Until I understand what it is like to sit inside His adoration, and His desire to know me better (not that He doesn’t already know, but my willingness to open myself up to Him).  Until His gifts of love and affection are totally received.  There’s no ability to truly give them to others, on His behalf or my own.  It’s very difficult to be selfless in a relationship, with God or with others.  We’ll always get in the way unless we understand how God has done that with us.  To forgive, means being forgiven.  To pardon means being pardoned.  To be gracious, means being graced.

But, the opaque, very palpable feelings I had this morning were welcome.  For someone with as tired a heart as mine, it seemed to be a soothing balm.  I thank God for the memory of it, and I pray I never forget.  As for why I’m writing this at all…  I think I want to quote someone else’s words, whom I respect quite a bit.

“The primacy of these feelings impels me to capture them, and preserve them in my memory forever; to conjure the magic of something good waiting around the corner, over the hill, tomorrow, on the morning of the resurrection.”—in an interview with Mark Heard in 1992

Like him, I feel the need to scribble out what I have before I forget and the blessing is lost… even if it only makes sense to me.  =)

Until next time, may we stop the dominoes from falling.

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