Ever have too much to say, that you were afraid to start, because you were afraid you’d never get to finish?  I lapse into that particular psychosis once in a while.  Since the last time I scribbled here, my mother has been commissioned and sent as a missionary to Uganda.  That whole process was/is very tough on me.  Psychologically, I have the huge dichotomy of being so pleased and yet jealous of her going.  I would much rather have her sitting here and typing this out, saying that I had gone.  Deepest in the weirder, most-committed to Christ parts of my life is a desire to go and serve overseas as a missionary.  I think deeper than that though, I just want to be of some use.  So I’m so proud and pleased that my mother, who never ever would have been picked as someone who would do this…. is THERE!!!  It gives me a great sense of joy knowing that I, in some small way, helped her to get there.  It’s like I get to live vicariously through her…  it’s a new way to be of service to our Lord.

Anyway, there is a large weight on my shoulders right now.  Something akin to “you really need to do something with the rest of the time you have left” keeps bouncing around my head.  So, I have been more quiet and less of the person that would blitz God with my prayers and requests and bursts of writing or creativity.  But it’s more important to me that the cancerous growths in my soul to be healed.  Self-doubt, a lack of a sense of forgiveness, and the inability to trust God to provide either faith or blessing to live through this painful time.  So I want a forum to speak with others to remind them not to take any time they have for granted.  Perhaps, if He wants me to, I will receive a reprieve enough to still be of some service to Him.  But I am mired in a hazy fog right now.   And according to a few people who really care about me, it’s time to lift the veil.  Except I may not have the ability to do it on my own.  Actually, I’m sure I don’t.

But the face that I wear on a daily basis, it searches for joy, inspiration, unique hope… I need to own that for the next few months.   Treatment is quite annoying, and draining.  I hope that you find grace, even as I pray for it for us all.

Peace

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