My day-to-day isn’t what I think should be considered good for me.  I work in a profession that taxes my physical limits while I’m not in the best of shape.  To my closer friends that seems contraindicated.  So I find myself looking at the world trying to decide if I should be looking for something less painful, less abusive.  My life seems to mirror that level of discomfort in my day-to-day existence.

When I was younger, it was a running joke that basically I looked for situations that caused me pain.  “I like the rough stuff.”  “Hurt me plenty.”   It was sort of silly, and is still funny to me.  But, I’m working on getting to 40 years old now, and it’s a struggle to get up in the morning some days.

I have incurred injuries in the past that must have made me look to those who watched me, like a junkie.  Popping sometimes 10-15 aspirin to get through the day.  Nowadays, I take my aspirin, but I’m afraid to take anything stronger for fear of becoming addicted to that respite from the pain.  It would be too easy to avoid pain nowadays.  I kind of wish that I had avoided times when I could have sidestepped pain the past.  I think things would be quite different for me now.

But, sometimes the pain gets so bad that I just have to clinch and get through it.  In the past, one of my close friends wouldn’t believe me that I was in pain when we worked together.  Until, I showed him by staying at his house for a week, how often I just soaked myself in hot water, cold water, ice packs, and chewed aspirin like candy.  Then, I think he got it.  In some ways, I’m sure I’m mentally tough.  In others, having an addictive personality, one that runs away from pain and gets lost in whatever seems to be available, I’m as fragile as can be.

I don’t have any answers, just a musing or two.  But, I know in my heart that the pains physically are just a precursor to delving to find out the pains that are lurking beneath the surface.  I’ve had dreams where I find out that my ailments in my body are just reflections of the suffering under the surface.  After being in pain so long, my tolerance goes higher and higher for it.   So much so, that I broke my hand last year, and didn’t find out anything until my bones grew back a little weird and had to be rebroken to set it correctly.  But, I’m afraid that eventually the pain will dull my senses, and I’ll just become numb.

I guess that’s what I’m most troubled with.  Physically it can happen.  How much easier could it be for someone’s head or heart?  What do I end up “taking” to dull the pain of lost loved ones, bad decisions, disappointments, and outright regrets?  Video games, TV, throwing myself into a work environment guaranteeing my suffering?  Luckily, I have someone who infuses Himself into the situation, and doesn’t allow me to fall too far off.  I pray He still can continue to do such.

I realise that my ouchies are acting up, and that’s what’s making me stay up past my bedtime.  But, I so worry about losing the ability to be sensitive.  Losing the ability to wonder and experience nuance.  I fear my body breaking down so much that I cannot enjoy the little things in life.  I dunno, this seems like an exercise.  But, my joints are sore, and I was sick yesterday… and I can’t sleep because I ache.  I wonder how much of it is the abuse that my body has taken, and how much of it is my heart…

I guess I’ll rest when I learn the difference.

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