I am in a quandary. I have spent the better part of my life using paper and pencils or pens writing. When I have been blessed to be creative, it usually involved a notepad or journal and sitting someplace where my thoughts might coalesce. As I collected lots of pieces, I had hand-written copies and then typed copies of the originals. As computer technology improved, I had computer copies on disk. But, I never got used to creating at a keyboard. It feels so external and impersonal.

My own writing for better or worse recently, has sometimes gotten to be impersonal. It’s quite difficult to pry out some of the things I know are in there because of the real fear of everything else pouring out also. Lots of painful, raw places that have been scarred over. Heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal, and feelings of helplessness all rest somewhere in the brokenness of my own heart. That place can suck the ability to be inspired out of you.

However, I know that when my life has been the farthest away from what I know God has in store for me, I have stopped writing. Usually for the aforementioned reasons. That usually means that I’m not letting God in far enough to either extend His grace and mercy, or His rebuke and wisdom. So, I’m writing again. That’s what this space is meant to do. But…. how do I write?

I’m convinced that this new little laptop that we got for the Urbana thing is exactly what I needed to report about what God was doing up there. Never before had I needed something like this. However, what was really special is that I enjoyed using the little thing, except where it comes to creative writing… I want something that I can just write to my heart’s content on, but a computer isn’t comfortable to me, at least yet.

Should I tough it out and try to keep making the computer a place to scribble and dream and whatnot? I am blogging in the hopes that I can get used to this medium. But, this is letting my thoughts fall out, not being too terribly creative. Here, when I do choose to write, it always feels like an essay or term paper or a talk prep. It never feels like a playing field for poetry or the occasional short story or scene…

I just don’t know.

But, I secretly want to be cool enough to take Penelope (yeah, I named my little green laptop) to an all-night diner, or to a bible study, or to a coffee shop… just to scribble. I’m not there yet, and it feels so foreign that I’m not sure I ever will.

So, do I pull out my legal pads and pens and keep going that route? Do I keep up my obsession with journals that are or aren’t real journals and keep using those… only copying my work onto a computer to back it up? Or do I push through the uncertainness, unfamiliarity, and possibly stifling mental block that I have of writing at a computer and write bunches of stuff that I’m not proud of until a breakthrough (if ever) happens?

My quandary seems silly. But, I need a breakthrough in writing for my soul. When the words flow, I’m like David was with his worship. That touch that the Lord gives in the process of creativity soothes the stupidity and angst and hopelessness and dreams… it’s where He meets me, and shows me His creation anew. It’s where my heart is touched with His, and I am forever changed…

What should my literary canvas be?