I am such a coward sometimes. As many times as I have commented that I would give anything to move forward in my life, I have also had as many times in recent years where I just couldn’t move. It is so often, there doesn’t seem to be a shred of the person left in me that used to be so confident. The loss of trust in the self is understandable, ultimately necessary, but the loss cripples me. It’s been a few days since I saw someone’s post here echoing my own internal screaming that I just wanted to post a link to it and say, “This is my heart. This is where my heart aches.”

But, that’s the easy way out. Not because it isn’t true, because it is. But, because that keeps me from excavating the heavy weight sitting on my chest. It keeps me from opening the wounds that have scarred over and actually letting God have at them.

When I was younger in my faith, I believed that God had a great purpose for my life. Faith coupled with belief in myself, and the understanding that I could get back up after sackcloth and ashes like David… it was a powerful time. I had a belief that God was going to do things with me. Lofty goals and expectations, not just in myself, but in God’s ability to use a messed up kid were unwavering. I could run hard and jump high, knowing that if I crashed hard, God would be there. It allowed for times of utter amazing grace. Both from forgiveness, and the ability to invest, bring God’s healing, and to see lives transforming before my eyes. To actually see someone’s life righted is such a gift, that I didn’t deserve to be in the building. Yet, God used me because I didn’t know I couldn’t or shouldn’t be.

I had people that I loved dearly keep telling me that there was no way I could spend my life the way that I felt God had chosen for me. I refused to listen. I still do but for different reasons. Then, God’s edict was to be all things to all people. Somehow in the course of being broken, bruised, bloody, and bewildered, I lost that belief. Both in God’s ability to change and extend grace, and especially in myself.

I knew starting this entry would be hard and verbose…

But, I failed to protect the one person who chose to love me deeper than anyone else in the world, from me. And I had to walk away for sanity’s sake. Confidence coupled with ego… and people I ache for are gone in a moment. There is no forgiveness there, because no matter what I do, they are gone. And I couldn’t believe in myself ever again. And then the wheels fell off. I fell apart, and only by the grace of God am I not completely homeless and lost somewhere in the remnants of a bourbon soaked reality.

Yet, I wrestle with His angels. I am lame, and cannot walk upright anymore. I ache, and I have a self-loathing that starts in the morning and doesn’t rest until I sleep. How can I be here now? Why aren’t I there? Why did I have to fall apart? Why couldn’t I be the man that I saw in the mirror You held up so many times? I hate the fact that the only thing in my way to service to God, is me.

I pray now that I don’t ever believe in myself again. I pray that somehow God might find some rag of light that I can wear. Just let me have hope that I can send others, or help others serve… since there’s no way I’ll ever see that promised land. Now, I couldn’t be convinced that I have any use at all. Yet, in the deepest parts of my soul, I cry out for the chance… just for the chance.

One friend suggested that I needed to change my biblical role models. For the longest time, it was Simon Peter. The one who didn’t know he couldn’t walk on water until he started. Recently, it’s been Moses and the long time that he had to hide, had to wait, had to embody the character God wanted to instill in his heart. But, I don’t know where to go from here. But, I hate it when I see others who don’t care about their own personal holiness, or care about actually listening to God who get to serve. Those people who are so intrinsically screwed up and actively sinning over and over, getting to serve as teachers, preachers, missionaries, staff workers, etc.

For some reason, You gave me the ability to do almost anything, and well. But, I am apparently not made for anything in particular. There are gifts that are going to waste in me, things that You infused me with. But, the choice is for them to stay silent. The weight of the sin of not being of any use is crushing my spirit daily…

Why not me? I’m just as screwed up, but I don’t want to continue to be. Why not me? I have skills and gifts that are all yours. Why not me? I’ve survived so many things that You MUST have something remotely close to a plan for me. Why not me? Even my mother who is actively trying to kill herself slowly is being given chances to serve overseas. Why not me?

Or is it that I won’t ever get to…?

It seems so arbitrary, painful, and the wait is killing me. Maybe that’s the point.