I took a break for a little while writing here.  Partially, because I wanted to get a handle on where I was going with this thing.  I also wanted to see if there were anything of substance rattling around in my head that needed to solidify.  Right now, I think it’s forward momentum.

“dreams aren’t meant to exist in a vacuum,
they are to be on the edge of your daily vision, 
lest they become caricatures of themselves or
they become self serving…”  me  

I have had this dream for probably 20 years or so.  I wanted to be a missionary or perhaps some kind of Christian campus worker.  Several people that I admired greatly were making impacts with their whole lives in those fields.  At the time when I felt that God was telling me that I could serve Him in that way, I was a spastic bundle of energy.  I know that God used that young man over and over again because I wasn’t afraid.  Of anything.  I sometimes went where angels knew not to tread…

People had their hurts soothed, their lives challenged and transformed…   For some reason I felt connected and purposeful.  The whole world of the future was there, and God, for some reason, was using me.  Everyone that was very closely told me that I shouldn’t get my hopes up… that I wasn’t suited for what I was shooting for.  It hurt a lot, but I recognise now that they were making sure I didn’t end up here now.

I needed to see  how God uses His people.  Grasshopper, you have much to learn.


Pride has a funny way of making sure that you cannot think too highly of yourself.  Learning to give yourself over to someone else’s control and purpose is very much like I learned when approaching my alcoholism.  You cannot do anything to help yourself, it has to be out of your hands so you can start building over. 

I used to believe that if you were given a talent, a gift, or some sort of ability then you should use it.  Do it as well as you can, and use it for God’s glory.  I still believe that.  However, I have in recent years added this proviso… 

as long as it’s in the right time

God has been trying to teach me timing, or more appropriately His timing for 2 decades now.  His giftings seem to be a long lost memory now.  If using another metaphor, I’m a field that’s lying fallow.  God has shown me that I’m not going to be of any use unless He controls the whens, wheres, and whys of my service.  And, now I know fear.  Fear that I might disappoint Him, instead of confidence that I know He’ll catch me.

My belief has always been that God cares about the intentions despite the old proverb that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  It’s the process with Him.  And now I am Moses.  40 years of sitting, and taking care of sheep.  What could be considered a waste of God-given talent is the threshing floor for a flawed and broken man.  I feel like that sometimes.  Perhaps that’s where I need to exist. 

…faithful and trustworthy… 

But I get this feeling that I might need to have a burning bush to convince me that I can still be used by Him.  I hope if that does come, that I might again submit.  After 20 years, it’s hard to believe that I might serve Him again.  And now, I am finally in a place where I don’t dictate to Him, He can dictate to me.  It’s been a hard road.

The sad part is that while looking back, I’m stuck here.  I don’t know how to chase forward and try to put myself in a place where I can serve in a concrete way again, without using those same behaviours and motivations that left me here in the desert in the first place.  Sometimes, I feel that the dreams I have… the belief that God still has something for me to do on His behalf, keeps me here watching proverbial sheep.  Waiting.