When faces aren’t the only things that change one’s life can become confusing.  When I was younger, I was able to go from place to place.  I was the one that came and went.  I got used to being the one whose tail lights were driving down the road.   At one point, I finally had enough.  My father and mother were having difficulties and they decided to get a divorce.  During that very emotional time, I made a decision that perhaps I shouldn’t have.  Often, I wonder what would have happened if it had been different. 

I chose not to move, again.

So, my life stayed in Tallahassee.  A college town where people came and went in droves, often.  I stayed there for almost 15 years, longer than I had lived up to the point when we moved there.  Throughout highschool and then college, I found the paradigm of my life changing.  Instead of it being me that came and went, everyone else started to do that.  Gradually.  Soon, I was the one who was there, and people came into my life and left almost as easily as I had when I was younger. 

It’s the same feeling, and I got to learn to embrace both sides of it.  I learned how to be the best friend for a moment.  I learned how to love for a season.  But, I never had a friend last longer than 8 or so years.  So many times, I wished to learn something that I never had the chance to learn… how to be a friend, lover, whatever, forever.

Good grief, that’s such a hard thing to do when you have nothing to base it on.  When I was younger and moving, I did everything I could to stay in touch with people I cared for, until I was too far removed.  It became so much easier to just let time take those people away.  Never quite learned to survive disagreements or hard times except in short bursts.  Never learned how to grow a relationship by earned trust, little at a time.

I was on full blast, all the time.  So, if I was being honest, you got honesty.  If I was being dishonest, you couldn’t tell the difference.  One big ball of intensity.  I also learned to strip away pretense and get real, real quick.  For some people, that level of in your face living was refreshing and it earned people’s trust.  So, I found people that gravitated to me.  I had friends.  People that because I was seeking God’s heart, that I could pour as much grace and truth and compassion and wisdom into as God gave me access to. 

Then I would move on.

I also had trouble with down times, even keeled times, etc.  Everything seemed to be a big performance at times.  My dad and his wife would accuse me of being ADHD of some sort.  Too bad it wasn’t true.  I was just living a life that I didn’t know how to live any other way.  (after being tested every which way I could be, I never once came off as ADHD or ADD, btw)  Then, a funny thing happened while I was staying far too long at college.

I got used to being there.  I got used to not moving, not going forward.  So I changed inside to match what was going on outside.  Now, I feel that inertia is one of the biggest obstacles I have.  Granted, part of it is living in a community that has very little forward momentum itself.  Most of the people that I’m close to here, have no aspirations to making much of a difference via their faith.  That self-insulation and self-absorption (hello, this is my blog here) is infectious and ultimately crippling to growing faith.

 I’m ever so much older than 20.  (Thanks Wendy Darling  🙂 )  Something awakened in me that has lain dormant for quite some time.  I will never have the energy to be the man I was when I was younger.  But I think I realise the man I’m supposed to be.  I need to take the ability to be all things to all people for Christ’s purposes and couple it with the person who can enter into a community, be a part of it, invest in it, and stay around for a long time.  My prayers now are that God would fuse the best of both, and leave the worst of both in my rear-view mirror.

it’s never enough to be willing to serve our Lord, one must give up the right to dictate the how and the why things happen… else no matter the purposing of the effort, it serves itself, becoming a god unto itself.  selflessness in the face of Christ is the point where we’re willing to be someone we never have been, or someone we cannot conceive because it brings Him glory. 

i would rather be like the apostle paul in saying: “i have become all things to all people so that by all means i might save some.”  1 Corin 9:22

Perhaps, even becoming two things that I used to be so that God might make of me something I’ve never been.

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