Today, my mother hopefully arrived safely in Uganda. (Still haven’t heard word yet whether she made it)  She is headstrong and impulsive about it, and to a certain extent, I’m jealous.  She’s behaving very much like I would have back in the day.  I am so proud of her.  However, she is going to put God working overtime so that she doesn’t become the burden that she will likely become on those she is meant to serve.  How odd it is to be saying such things.  I used to live my life in such a way where the circumstances be damned.  Just jump out and do what you think is right… expect God to bless it as you go along.

She’s almost 69 years old.  She is quite frail and not likely to have that change.  She almost died last year due to an ambitious cold.  She has all the clinical signs of early onset Alzheimer’s.  She has only one lung, and until the last 2 months or so, has been smoking non-stop.  She suffers from clinical depression.  She also will not submit to God in many appreciable ways.  She refuses to recognise that as God’s representative, she should preach, teach, express God’s wisdom, and teach others to do the same.  As she regresses mentally, she suffers mental lapses that make her safety a huge issue.

Yet, I cannot fight this one irrefutable fact.  If she makes it to Uganda, she was supposed to get there.  God’s will, and all that.  With everything that could reasonably keep her away, God had many many many opportunities to shut this down.  But, she wouldn’t stop trying to go.  For that I am quite happy for her.  Somehow, I became the cautious one.  I’m sure it has to do with the fact that I don’t trust myself, nor my motives anymore.

The one thing that keeps ringing in my ears is the concept of making sure that the people that I’m in relationships with end up better off for knowing me.  It’s the only benchmark that I could use to make sure that God was in a friendship or other type of relationship.  I keep worrying about what my mother is doing, because I’m not sure that they’ll end up better off for knowing her.  God has to make that happen.  I fear that she’s going to become a burden on the people she feels called to serve.

In looking at that issue in my  mother’s life, I have learned so much about my own.  I feel perhaps that is why God let her stay as long as she did.  She didn’t need the time, I did.  So, while I was driving home from taking my mother to the airport yesterday one question kept ringing…

“Are the people that I brought into your life better off for having known you?”

I used to believe that I had to do whatever was right, no matter the circumstances.  I still believe that.  I used to believe that I to say what I believed to be true, no matter the consequences.  I still believe that.

But there had to be other ways to make the same points, to do the same things. 

There just had to. 

Because the people that knew me for longer than a few instants, for longer than a visit here or there…. none of them are better off from knowing me.  That scares me a great deal.  The only people that are better off from me being in their lives are people that knew me for a weekend, knew me for a conference, knew me for a night, or for a conversation.  Everyone else… I believe got a raw deal.  It’s just something I’m dealing with now that mom has headed to Uganda.  This isn’t the legacy I wanted to leave, nor do I believe it was what God wanted.

More later.