Vulnerability.  It’s something people often dread.  The concept of being in a situation where others can hurt us is very scary.  Many things in our lives are there for that very reason.  What is actually worse, is being in a situation where no one can know us when we are vulnerable.  Fear of vulnerability can drive us to isolation, can cause us to put up walls between us and others.  That isolation can keep us from receiving care in our most vulnerable times. 

Some do that with anger.  Others do that from being aloof or unapproachable.  Still others hide behind facades or faces.  And some won’t even connect with others at all.

I’m too used to people being there one moment and being gone the next.  It’s too easy for me to be partially vulnerable around people.  When you get close to people out of necessity because you don’t know who’s going to be there later, it promotes a little more honesty than most people are used to.  Thus, sometimes in my own behalf, I tend to err on the side of too much information, before trust can be earned for that information.  It creates a great sense of false trust, and not enough really knowing people well.  At times, that can be used by God as the sledgehammer to break open some very old wounds.  At other times, it can be the sledgehammer that causes some very new ones.

I’ve been in a very vulnerable state lately.  So much so, that I’ve been short and difficult to relate with.  I have recognised that, and so have tried to limit my access to people.  I have gone a few weeks without seeing another living soul.  At times, I have wanted to let people in and give them access to what I am wrestling with.   But, I haven’t done so because I can be partially vulnerable easily… but truly vulnerable is so much harder for me.  Because for years, I would use the fact that people would be on the carousel to protect my innermost being from harm.

He who does not trust enough, Will not be trusted.—-Lao Tsu

I’m afraid of that vulnerability like so many other folk.  It’s all about knowing others and being known.  Recently, I’ve been proved as unworthy of trust as Lao said.  Some of my actions have been blatantly honest without a filter and have hurt friends.  I suppose blunt honesty is a great way to keep people at arms length… or unfortunately farther.  I could have just been honest enough to say that I’m not in the best emotional state, but like many people, we just allow ourselves to get defensive and act accordingly.

Then afterwards, we pick up the pieces.

Sadly, I lose people in my life as much for that behaviour as for being a temporary soul.  I need to cultivate within myself a character that can truly be trusted, and deservedly so.

Advertisements