The walk up the cool concrete steps was not labourious.  More sublime to my understanding.  I felt like I was walking backwards into the presence of someone at times I hardly know.  I bumped into him, and realised that I have always known him.  The familiarity of the words I heard and the images I had been shown… they speak volumes that I have never had opportunity to read while reflecting on the obviousness of my whole history.

It wasn’t up to the 3rd floor, it was to a time when my legs barely reached the steps.  I wasn’t going here to see the end of something at all.  I was going to see the world that I never got to see because he was always over there.  I was always not there.  And there was excitement because I got to see.  The 3rd floor called to me with the same excitement, yet a tinge of yellowed regret framed the event.

I should have been in this world.  This world was made for me, because the steps were left ahead of me.  I took another path, and should have listened and learned.  United in purpose and defined by a reality I have inextricably trudged far away from, only to come back time and time again.  Like an addiction that never made manifest, but the taste still lingers strongly in my bones.  And he would have enjoyed, no reveled, in the joy that would bring him.  The palpable legacy that still grows by day due to that decision so many years ago.

Now, at the end, I walk these steps knowing tomorrow’s steps no longer lead me.  I have no recourse but to step forward, trusting that eventually my path may show others that it has in fact made the difference.  A difference that this mirrored moment shows is not only regrettable, but reticent in the face of his transition.  He wanted this life for me, and I wanted it for him.  Neither of us received the comfort of its manifestation.  Neither of us want to acknowledge it at all.

The 3rd floor is the end for so many ideals, but I can only hope that it is the end of a past path isolated.  Perhaps he can still walk forward for me, and I can find my steps in his once again.  Forgiveness comes in a new step, and solace comes in a step with approval, and comfort is the relation between the two.

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