My frazzled senses don’t seem to be energised as much by my surroundings.  At least, not as much as they once did.  Part of that is the inevitable eroding of time that once was set aside to sit and just see.  My life isn’t filled with too much compared to others.  However, I am not scurrying to sit near a window and watch the world like I once did.  There are pieces and parts of my life that don’t fit.  Or they don’t fit if I want to maintain a healthier space for myself. 

It is not quite apparent to me what I actually need, but for a few months I have felt like I was on a precipice of choices.  I want to honour that which I believe to be true, but I also want to actually be right and just in my life.  So, that means becoming less temporary.  It means giving up some of the lonesome isolation that I naturally gravitate towards now.  But, I’m finding that what and whom vies for time in my life seems to be absolutely stifling my ability to grow and go forward.

So, what do I do?  Living a life that is more permanent doesn’t mean that one side is more right than the other.  I know what my heart is telling me, but it’s deceitfully wicked (as per Jeremiah 17:9).  My heart is telling me to cast off the newer aspects of my life and get more fundamental with perspective.  Something that just is impossible with demands for my attention elsewhere.  I cannot move forward until I become rooted again.  It seems paradoxical, but there is no way I can avoid these thoughts without wrestling with making a choice.

Last year, I learned to dream again.  It had been a long time coming to allow myself to hope and dream.  When you’re convinced that you’re fatally flawed as a person, very few things look like opportunities.  My dreams always lead me back to what has been told to me by others… I should step out in faith and see what may come.  I should actually trust that God has created me to serve His purposes, and that the inclinations of my soul are what He put there.  I have been blind as to how to accomplish that, and have waited for what seems years to step forward.

This year, after the loss of my mother, I have a significant shift to my thinking.  Before, I would find myself sitting and waiting and hoping that God would bless me enough to allow me to serve Him.  I would step out, and always fall.  Falling wasn’t so difficult, but the crashing to earth was always the tough part.  Enough times in the past, times where I wasn’t prepared or wasn’t the right person or whatever, that now I am completely timid and have little to no faith to step out.

So, I’m going to start a love affair again with He who enraptured me.  I will pursue Him like I haven’t in years.  Perhaps, it’s folly to do such, since I call Him Lord, call Him Saviour.  But, I need the reestablishment of the romantic palpable flavour to our relationship.  There will be much asking for forgiveness, much breaking down, much evaluation… and hopefully the rebuilding will begin.  I pray I take nothing for granted.  I know that people will be moved up and down my priority list.  Heart desires will hopefully transform with the transformation of my heart. 

And maybe those dreams I’ve been allowed to have again, will have steps that I can see to make them come to fruition. 

So, I will write, and I will cozy up to the window and watch the world go by.  I will pray that my eyes may see the divine in the ordinary and the sublime.  In the process, I will become less temporary.  In the process, I will become again. 

Advertisements