I learned to be a temp

just for a time, not for the long haul…

I’d rather be a quick searing burn rather than a slow warmth

instead of grasping a picture of reality, I allowed it to bend to my will

now I would love to see my will rend

since the repercussions of my actions caused scarring pain

others, then myself, then myself

Walking into situations

A gift of clairvoyance

no sense of permanence

given my task at hand and I did it well

and left

today I have left my marks across those who I’ve impacted

some with divine aim

others with vile reverence

depending on whoever wore the target

depending on whoever was the target

listening to an angel I discovered the insincerity with which I cry

excuses are for people without a conscience

without a soul

I wonder where it went

I wanted to be a temp

Never did get my time in the sun

the Son caused my lack of perspective to lose grip from time to time

another’s transgression on my soul

another simple prophecy for my tattered ego

self-aware in the future tense is quite anathema

and gone

I needed to be a temp

physically I could never dive in

commitment left waiting on shore

trust treading lightly into the depths

a selfless conceptualisation without ethical consideration

to the wake a stone thrown would cause

other facades in boxes traversing replication of human emotion

in place of focused, cloistered, and patient introspection

a parade of other’s feelings kept on record in case

in case

the need to use someone else was necessary

a puffed-up mirage wavered in the heat of passionless desire

fell to the damp carpet cried because of abuse of conduct

the mirror held tightly and others saw that which I knew not but to admit

I studied to be a temp

actors who gave up on semblance of  white and black keys making harmony

musicians who dressed up in bland coloured canvases insistent upon innocuous design

painters who fused pantomime and method to create a silent majority

friends who left alone carried themselves away

friends who alone left who became carried away

with the impermanence of practice in my life

I became that which I feared the most

I am a temp

and I’ve lost everything that made me any worth to anyone

2:04 am

25 July 2002

(I think this is why I started this blog.  This is the feeling I want to overcome, and combat, and learn to put in a footnote someday.)