I sat watching the tiny tree, and its 10 white lights

the cluttered room coated with a warm glow

that reminded me of deep plush carpet against my head

the dial of the receiver the only illumination in the room

as I lay back and dream of younger times

I am more alone than I have ever been

You disappeared into the holiday time

gone on a trip that I cannot follow this year

Charlie Brown would be pleased with the meager tree

and the quiet mystique of simplicity

wondering when you would see it

and I remember you’re no longer there

How many times did you sit and suffer?

How often did you curl up, lost and lonely and discarded?

Lonely Christmas nights while your children

left on the road 7 or 8 hours away

they having a family time, without you

Then as we grew and decided to spend our time

with friends or in other ways outside your presence

You left feeling that you were never more than

an obligation that was to be met with a phone call

and you sat suffering in the season of separation

Now, I am a stubborn one, never one for much decoration

never for much circumstance to remind of this time of year

Yet you loved it all, even when many times you

sat having Christmas outside his house

And you never really got to have what you enjoy

Wassail smells are missing, and the nativity that I never unpacked

still sits in the closet where you told me to keep it for you

Even after your Christmas became Ugandan

the last Christmas you would ever see, I was gone, on the road

for a good cause yes, but it still echoes of the neglect

and you spent your time alone in my home, watching these 10 lights

Tonight I understand what you must have felt

knowing that one you loved was too far to hug

too busy for the opportunity to sit and share

and the only comfort to a beleaguered soul is

the warm glow to remind that I am alone

but not unloved, but feeling a bit neglected

I’m sorry we never showed the same to you

 

 

10:58 am

7 December 2010