Tag Archive: Dreams

My dreams are far too often are like looking at a pool. 

A pool that once was still now ripples,

like stones being thrown in from all directions…

Waves overlapping, distorted

The surfaces changing, a maelstrom of confusion

Distracting images discordant and surreal


11:38 am

10 September 2011

Just Inside the Rain

Okay, this is nothing new.   Rain is wet.

We as human beings tend to focus on things outside of the obvious.  So, rain being wet is usually nowhere in the realm of interesting facts to point out.  Some people when they hear rain, the word rain, or just the hint of it can evoke all sorts of responses… some positive, some negative, some slightly psychotic, some too ordinary to mention.  But usually it is what the person relates to the concept of rain.  I have a friend of mine, who hates the rain with a passion.  Unless you understand that she lost her parents in a car crash due to a rainy night…. well you get the idea.  It’s not the rain, it’s the circumstances that surrounded something quite horrifying to her.

Me, I love rain.  Always have.  I would rather go walking in the rain on a cold (yes I did mention earlier I love the cold) evening/afternoon/early morning or whatever.  Usually without an umbrella.  To me, it reminds me of days when storms and rain and winds and salt spray from our sailboat, from standing at the shore, or whatever.  There is something visceral to it.  But, I was trying to figure out why I’m so attached to it.  Was it the cold?  Was the wind?  Was it the wet….?  Was it the times?  Was it the person that I used to be that I’m drawn to?

It’s all about being slightly detached from my own reality to be consumed within something outside of my fleshly walls.   Being the incredible extrovert that I used to be, it was very much like sitting in a crowded bus station, restaurant, or airport terminal…. it was always the ability to totally disappear within the situation and focus outside of me.  I guess that is where I used to recharge my batteries.  Since I have been trying to make plans find the cold this holiday season, I asked a stupid question…. and got a surprising answer.

The reason my batteries haven’t been recharging, is that I have given in to the self-absorption that life has put on my shoulders.  Cancer is something that make one either really other-centered, or self-centered.  When you realise that your dreams won’t really have any chance of coming true, you allow yourself to believe that there is nothing that you can do about it.  But, sometimes that belief is a crippling one.  When you’re a 12-step recovery participant, it’s necessary to make the first step… that you cannot do anything under your own power.  But, later on, you’re still supposed to make steps, with help.

My life hasn’t turned out like I would have wanted.  Some from my own choices.  Some from external circumstances.  All because God wanted me in this place to be the man He called me to be.  Over the last few years, there hasn’t been a place where I have been able to really focus on much outside of my own fingertips.  I cannot plan for anything of substance, because of illness and whatnot.  Sometimes, it’s a stepping out in faith, just to plan on making it to work next week.  And that existence drains someone quickly.

My prayers after seeking the cold…. seeking a place where my batteries can recharge… seeking a reality where I can contribute what little personal resources to serve God’s purposes…  Well, I may still make that trip until I can find solace in the freezing temperatures, but unless I can find that place in my life to be filled up again.  I’m as useless as dry water.  Or at least to me.  Water is wet.  Charles is tired and needs another chance.  So, I’m holding onto the scriptures where God promises to fill me up to overflowing.  His promise, not my efforts.  So, I’m holding Him to it.  And in response, I’m going to step out, find a small place where I can offer myself up to Him in service…

Where I may step just inside the rain, and enjoy it.

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