Tag Archive: Prayer

Wail Silently

As the night creeps along, the cool air falling colder, I feel the fingers of despair working their way across my heart.  I ache this evening.  So much so, that I cannot focus on the writing I must finish before the morning.  It is because of the hopeless feeling that dear friends have tonight.  Having been set free graciously from the myopia of hopelessness, my desire to see them set free is pressing against the rib cage in my chest.  They also ache as well.  The time stretches longer and longer.  What we are in is temporary, the trials will eventually pass.  But, when it happens to ourselves, we can find our breath and hold fast until the dawn comes.  When it happens to those we love, we start drowning on their behalf, grasping and gasping and failing and flailing.  Even if we know the truth, have experienced the freeing grace, we are confronted with the impotence of our own actions.  We turn to the Lord hoping and pleading for immediate release from the ties that bind our loved ones.  The answer of “not yet” isn’t a valid response to us.  The amazing gift of my wife is in the other room, and I cannot slam my fists against the walls or pound against the desk beneath my hands.  I don’t want to share my anxiety and ruin her rest.  In this I taste the bitter conflict.  I imagine the mothers and fathers watching their children struggle, and am confronted with an iceberg’s tip of the anguish they feel.  The dichotomy of having to be granite pillars for the ones we would die for mirrored against wanting to crumble into a ball on the floor and sob is too much to bear.  So, in the middle of the night, I softly cry out.  For I know that my Lord understands the groaning within me, and I remind Him of His promises on behalf those folks beset upon on behalf of their families.  My feeble words accomplish little, and yet I feel unable to do anything except sit here kneeling and breaking.  My eyes scour the blackness on the other side of my office window.  As if an answer might contrast against the darkness there.  The reflection flickers with the light of my computer flashing across the pane, and all I can do is sigh, feeling left wanting.  Heavy, deliberate, impatient… Trying to trust while the tough trials linger like chains.  Praying to be prisoners of hope instead of free people fooled by optimism.  So, I wail silently.


I wish that I could say that I’m on an adventure.  Trekking into the unknown with only the pack upon my back.  But, I’m not.  I am however, trying to find my way through the wilds back to a place I could so easily get to in the past.  Before, there was a chair, a time of day, and an almost penitent pose that would take me there.  Out of practice, I like Peter in “Hook”, have forgotten how to get there. 

I remember a good friend, encumbered with the weight and noise around them, took the opportunity and left.  Travelled not too far away and holed up in a small hotel to get some perspective.  It made an impression on a tried and true extrovert like myself.  In my life, where things seemed to be filled with life an energy, there had to be people.  But, looking back, I recognise that when I came home, usually to a small little efficiency or single apt, there was no one there.  No long talks on the phone, most of the time no television, no games… just my guitar, my books, my CD’s and time.

Early mornings meant waking up before the sun, resetting my alarm and trying to fall on my face in silence.  Late after the day was done, there was always a chair that I could recline in and absorb the day.  My favourite places were always the ones where I could sit and reflect, or have things reflected to me.  There was a little ledge in the math department building that leaned against the windows, and one could sit on them gaze out across the campus, slightly elevated and feeling completely detached.  Inspiration and oftentimes a divine perspective would have the time to hit me in those moments.

Lately, I haven’t had the time.  It’s a part of growing up, having responsibilities, making others the priority in your life.  Over the last few months, a lot in my life has changed.  Times when I would be quiet, I am either looking for escape or sleep.  Usually sleep.  It has worn on me, and I know those around me who love me have suffered a bit because of it.  If it were only a matter of a proper schedule, that would be one thing, but it’s different.  I know that I am not cultivating stillness.  Whether it’s by demands of people, work, obligations, etc or my own hand, I pray that may learn how to get there again.  This weekend is one where I might get to dig out from the clutter that has been sitting around not being removed.

I have the hopes that I might be able to write someday soon about such an exquisite grace that I saw this past August and September and October.  Or perhaps the strange trek that I walked last year might unfold its wisdom to me.  I so hope that there is a piece of that… soon.  So, like a trip my friend took long ago, I am going not so far away, spending time finding time.  Praying.  Reflecting.  Writing.  Listening.  Growing.  See you sometime soon.


%d bloggers like this: