Tag Archive: Transformation

When faces aren’t the only things that change one’s life can become confusing.  When I was younger, I was able to go from place to place.  I was the one that came and went.  I got used to being the one whose tail lights were driving down the road.   At one point, I finally had enough.  My father and mother were having difficulties and they decided to get a divorce.  During that very emotional time, I made a decision that perhaps I shouldn’t have.  Often, I wonder what would have happened if it had been different. 

I chose not to move, again.

So, my life stayed in Tallahassee.  A college town where people came and went in droves, often.  I stayed there for almost 15 years, longer than I had lived up to the point when we moved there.  Throughout highschool and then college, I found the paradigm of my life changing.  Instead of it being me that came and went, everyone else started to do that.  Gradually.  Soon, I was the one who was there, and people came into my life and left almost as easily as I had when I was younger. 

It’s the same feeling, and I got to learn to embrace both sides of it.  I learned how to be the best friend for a moment.  I learned how to love for a season.  But, I never had a friend last longer than 8 or so years.  So many times, I wished to learn something that I never had the chance to learn… how to be a friend, lover, whatever, forever.

Good grief, that’s such a hard thing to do when you have nothing to base it on.  When I was younger and moving, I did everything I could to stay in touch with people I cared for, until I was too far removed.  It became so much easier to just let time take those people away.  Never quite learned to survive disagreements or hard times except in short bursts.  Never learned how to grow a relationship by earned trust, little at a time.

I was on full blast, all the time.  So, if I was being honest, you got honesty.  If I was being dishonest, you couldn’t tell the difference.  One big ball of intensity.  I also learned to strip away pretense and get real, real quick.  For some people, that level of in your face living was refreshing and it earned people’s trust.  So, I found people that gravitated to me.  I had friends.  People that because I was seeking God’s heart, that I could pour as much grace and truth and compassion and wisdom into as God gave me access to. 

Then I would move on.

I also had trouble with down times, even keeled times, etc.  Everything seemed to be a big performance at times.  My dad and his wife would accuse me of being ADHD of some sort.  Too bad it wasn’t true.  I was just living a life that I didn’t know how to live any other way.  (after being tested every which way I could be, I never once came off as ADHD or ADD, btw)  Then, a funny thing happened while I was staying far too long at college.

I got used to being there.  I got used to not moving, not going forward.  So I changed inside to match what was going on outside.  Now, I feel that inertia is one of the biggest obstacles I have.  Granted, part of it is living in a community that has very little forward momentum itself.  Most of the people that I’m close to here, have no aspirations to making much of a difference via their faith.  That self-insulation and self-absorption (hello, this is my blog here) is infectious and ultimately crippling to growing faith.

 I’m ever so much older than 20.  (Thanks Wendy Darling  🙂 )  Something awakened in me that has lain dormant for quite some time.  I will never have the energy to be the man I was when I was younger.  But I think I realise the man I’m supposed to be.  I need to take the ability to be all things to all people for Christ’s purposes and couple it with the person who can enter into a community, be a part of it, invest in it, and stay around for a long time.  My prayers now are that God would fuse the best of both, and leave the worst of both in my rear-view mirror.

it’s never enough to be willing to serve our Lord, one must give up the right to dictate the how and the why things happen… else no matter the purposing of the effort, it serves itself, becoming a god unto itself.  selflessness in the face of Christ is the point where we’re willing to be someone we never have been, or someone we cannot conceive because it brings Him glory. 

i would rather be like the apostle paul in saying: “i have become all things to all people so that by all means i might save some.”  1 Corin 9:22

Perhaps, even becoming two things that I used to be so that God might make of me something I’ve never been.

Being Used Up

There are few things in the world that would get me up in the middle of the night. I don’t have the energy to stay up late anymore. A byproduct of being older, being weaker, and being more responsible. But, an image keeps messing with my head and keeps me from resting tonight. Moses and myself have had an off-and-on relationship over the last few years. I keep running into him from time to time, so that he can impart some perspective on life and my place in it. The image I keep having is one of the burning bush. God infused (I may use this word repeatedly, and I apologise for it) Himself into the bush. An ordinary bush. Nothing separated it from other bushes, rocks, trees, plants, etc. It was only special and noteworthy because in the midst of its reality, God entered into it. The thing actually burned, and was not consumed. Suddenly the bush, was much more than a bush. Moses’ reaction to it being evidence, that something was different about this one. Hehe. Now, here’s the funny thing. Moses freaked out about the bush, but it wasn’t until God Himself spoke, did he have any idea what was going on. It’s not like he looked at the flames on the bush and said to himself, “That must be God, Jehovah!”

We do that so many times in our lives, it’s silly to think about it. We have it in our heads that we would like to do God’s will. Be able to serve Him by being the vessel… the means, the vehicle. But, we tend to want to have people look at us and say, “wow! that must be from God” without us actually allowing God to speak to someone through our circumstances, happenstances, whatever… We do so many weird and strange things to get the attention of people so that they might see Christ within us… but the bush didn’t scream out and say, “Hey, look at me… God is inside of me! God wants to talk to you… hold on a sec… lemme get Him over here, and…. OK! Here you go.” The most effective witness is one who doesn’t really have anything active tied in with His purposes, except to be willing to be used.

When God infused Himself into the bush, the bush didn’t stop being a bush. Didn’t stop doing bush-type things. The essence of the bush, didn’t change at all. God, did something to draw someone to the bush, and then spoke… not through the bush, but through the existence of God’s mysterious ways surrounding the bush. Moses’ didn’t need to be converted, but God needed to get his attention. God’s also did not stop being God from the flame on the bush. He didn’t change. His essence wasn’t affected by what He was doing with the bush…. so it could have been ANYTHING in the area that He could have used. It is interesting to me to think about such things.

Most people when they see another’s face. That’s all they see. They see the clothes, the face, the body-type. Rarely do they ever get past the visual to encounter something deeper. If Moses had only seen the fire, and hadn’t waited on the voice of God, it would have been more like what we do as people. We treat homeless people holding signs on the side of the road, like most people would have after seeing a bush on fire….. we usually see the sign, rarely the face, and almost never see the soul, the essence.

God infused Himself into creation by becoming Christ. He transformed Himself into a man. Christ infused Himself into those that believe and sent us out. He transformed us into the people we’re supposed to be. We’re supposed to infuse ourselves into His creation to infuse God into it… transforming it into His likeness. How do we do that if we don’t allow ourselves to be used, without being consumed… allow ourselves to be used, without drawing attention to our works, our deeds, our actions… allow His will be done, by His impetus not our own.

It’s something that haunts me when I think about it. How often we just get in His way by trying to do His will…

I’ve been more often in the past, used up, instead of used without being consumed. It’s just my honest reaction right now. I’m not quite sure if I believe what I feel at the moment, being that it’s 4 in the freaking morning.

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