Tag Archive: Truth


Wham!

“I’m a dreamer that constantly runs headlong into reality.”

Hard.

Repeatedly.

It’s getting tiring.

I’m sore.

I need some recuperation.

For both

my head

and heart.

 

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While sitting down to record a very memorable experience here, I was nudged to look at paths that I traveled long ago.  There was a twinge in my heart as I looked at an especially difficult time.  We’ve all had times in our lives where things fell apart, whether by our own or someone else’s hands.  The ones that are the most painful are often the ones where our own actions cannot be reconciled.  For me, those times are ones where I feel that there won’t ever be an apology or enough done to rectify the wrong.  Many people do what I generally do, carry them around with us.  With that behaviour, we sometimes hold our forgiveness at arm’s length.  It often causes a rift between me and God, one where I don’t allow His grace to restore me and allow me to more forward.

When looking at this situation, I never have that reaction.  In fact, there are only a couple of times in my life where I can honestly say that I wasn’t even slightly to blame for the disaster that came about.  The twinge hurts just as much, but there is also an element of anger that rises up.  Personally, I loathe anger.  Anger almost always consumes the person experiencing it.  It takes a lot to get me angry.  A lot.  So my reaction is one that I would rather sweep aside rather than actually figure out why it is still there after so many years.  But, after reading words about that whole time, I was struck with this realisation…  The person that wronged me still has absolutely no concept that they ever were wrong.  Even after a couple of discussions then and afterwards, they feel disconnected from their actions and the resulting reactions.

In my life, I have harmed so many people that I should see if there is some kind of advanced degree that someone could receive from an accredited institution.  I will spend much of my life asking for forgiveness.  Hopefully, I am learning how to not make new wounds.  Having my character completely changed is something for which I am praying, often.  God willing, piece by piece I will reflect more of Him.

Now, with these aches and wounds, I’m not wanting vengeance or for some negative happenstance to come their way.  It’s not like that.  But, there is a part of me that wants the realisation of the impact of their actions and words to be made ever so clearly in their lives.  That they would seem to gain some understanding of the ramifications that others bore for what they did.

Reading some correspondence between us, drove it home to me.  What makes me angry is the way that they moved on so effortlessly.  Essentially they said… “oh, my bad” and asked God for forgiveness and just moved forward.  The pieces had to be picked up, and some wounds were deep and life-changing.  That doesn’t seem fair, that God should actually forgive someone and they are actually forgiven.  Over the years, I have had much more empathy for people who have been taken advantage of, deliberately hurt, neglected, abused, and the like due to this experience.  So, to say that God is using it to make me more His goes without saying.  But, tonight I finally figured out why my anger lingered this long.  There is a part of my memory and heart that would have rather have this person recognise their faulty wiring, acknowledge their mistake, and actually seem to feel sorry about it.

Ah, there’s the rub, and after rubbing for so long, there’s a nice callous there on the skin that was supposed to be healed by now.  Ugh, having to ask forgiveness for holding onto the pain is a distasteful feeling at the moment.  Obviously, I’m still struggling with it, at the moment.  At the moment.

How many times do we see people do what we really wish that we could do, and resent it?  I wish I could drop those things that have brought pain so easily.  But, I am not self-centered enough to focus on the fact that God loves me so much, when I have either by word or deed truly hurt someone.  Trust me, there are hurts that I’m not going to be forgiven for by those who I have hurt.  Those times when I wanted to be something different from a fallen man in need of grace are far too many.

I cannot wrap my mind around it, but in my heart, I know in that mindset are the origins of mercy and grace… and there continues the lesson for me.

Forgiveness is a process.  It is a “now”, a “currently”, and a “will be continuing” type of thing.  May my heart give up enough to learn this.

Selah

Selah

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